How To Let Go Of Past Hurts: Stop Focusing On Old Resentment & Past Pain
You used to have fun, be loving and enjoy each other’s company, but something has changed. It started with little fights over stupid things. Now, though, you just bicker and fight over everything and anything. It’s making you miserable, and at this point, you only want the old hurts and past pain to go away. You want to let it go.
These past hurts and emotional pain may not be visible to others, but holding onto them can deeply affect your mental health and daily life. Unresolved pain from past experiences can linger beneath the surface, impacting your well-being until you acknowledge and address it.
You want to forgive, but you don’t know how to let go of resentment. Letting time pass alone does not heal emotional wounds. Letting go of past hurts is an intentional, ongoing process that involves both mental shifts and practical daily actions. It may not seem possible when you’re in the throes of upset, but is it? What if you actually could?
Why Does Resentment Build Up?
Resentment builds up over time. The more you feel misunderstood, and the less you feel heard, the more the pain grows. As you feel more disconnected, you feel more alone and hurt.
You’re probably pretty tired of going around and around on the same issue and not getting anywhere. Each time it happens, you just feel more exhausted and frustrated. People often internalize emotional pain as part of their identity, which can make it feel safe and familiar, even though it is harmful.
Sometimes, you just avoid talking about issues altogether because you know you will get nowhere. Bottling up thoughts, experiences and feelings may hurt you more in the long run and make it hard to let go.
You may find yourself thinking things like, “Why should I talk about this issue? My partner won’t hear me, again, and won’t listen to me anyhow.”
Each time these thoughts creep into your mind, every time you don’t feel heard and understood and every time the situation isn’t resolved, the old hurts and past pain create another layer of resentment. People who are in pain are more likely to hurt others, intentionally or unintentionally, and this cycle can perpetuate hurt feelings.
Letting go of past hurts may require self-care
Focusing on the present allows you to make today the best day of your life. You are not what you’ve been through, those are just your circumstances, but not who you are. Recognizing that you are separate from what you’ve been through is the start of disengaging from the anger and pain. Building a supportive community who understands your struggle can aid healing by providing strength and helping to focus on positive aspects of what you’re learning.
As you work to gain power over forgiveness, for yourself and your partner, the pain will begin to break up. Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and recognizing your own vulnerability.
Healthy routines may help, including consistent sleep, nutrition, and limiting social media exposure to stabilize your mood and cut down on comparing yourself and your situation to others. Journaling can serve as a method for expressing emotions and exploring triggers. You can choose where to put your mind and heart today, regardless of past hurts. Empathy can take you a long way in the healing process.
How Do You Let Go Of Resentment In A Relationship?
How to let go of resentment is a question that I’ve asked many times over the past ten years as a couples therapist. You may feel hurt and justifiably angry that your partner has not been there for you or does not seem to care about you, which leads to the feelings of resentment, but now what?
But holding onto pain can hurt your ability to focus, study, and work and make it even harder to move forward. Focusing on the present and future is key to healing and letting go of what happened.
Let me ask you, what do you want to do with those feelings of resentment, hurt and pain? Do you want to carry those feelings and sadness into your future? Not letting go of the past may make you more prone to miss the good in your life, leaving little room for the positive experiences and growth you deserve.
You can hold onto the resentment and allow it to continue eating at you and the relationship, or you can pick a different, productive path to resolve this situation. Letting go of past hurts is an intentional, ongoing process that involves both mental shifts and practical daily actions.
3 Steps to release and let go of the resentment, hurt and pain:
#1 Recognize And Notice – The first step in the process of letting it go is recognition. If you feel frustrated, ignored, hurt, or dismissed, check in with your body and see if and where you’re holding in resentment or anger. Naming specific emotions can make them feel less overwhelming and is crucial for healing. These emotions might express themselves in a few ways.
- Holding in resentment might appear in your body as tension in your jaw
- A heaviness in your heart or tightness around your forehead
- You may experience shallow breathing and irregular heart beats
- You may get sick more often than usual
- Headaches may become more frequent or intense
- Weight gain or weight loss may happen more rapidly
Perform a quick body scan and notice if you are relaxed or feeling tension. Using mindfulness techniques like deep breathing, meditation, and grounding exercises can help anchor yourself in the present moment. Getting present to the moment helps people gain objectivity about who they are, what’s going on around them, and oftentimes, what the next steps are.
Sometimes, you might think you let your resentment go when you have actually “thrown” your feelings into the closet. You may not want to notice that you are feeling hurt or may want to avoid a conflict. Bottling up emotions can make it harder to let go, and crying can be a productive outlet for your emotions, helping some of the sadness lift off your chest.
This is where journaling and expressive writing, such as writing letters for release (but not necessarily sending them), can serve as effective methods for expressing and processing emotions. You will know if you actually let it go when a similar situation comes up (and it will). If, in that future situation, you find yourself bringing up the pain of the past when this happened, that’s a sign that you threw it in the closet and did not truly let it go.
#2 Decision – Each time you feel resentment build up inside of you, you have a decision to make: what should you do with these feelings of resentment?
You have two options to move past hurts:
- Ignore – If you ignore, avoid or stuff the situation in the closet, will you actually be able to release and let go of the resentment? Only you can answer that question and know what’s best for you.
- The Answer – There are two parts to learning how to let go of resentment.
- First, you need to discuss your feelings. You can choose to discuss how you feel and why you feel that way. With the use of I statements and by discussing your perspective, you can address the situation and usually let go of resentment.
- Second, your partner needs to repair the situation with you.
Engaging in physical activity can also help release pent-up feelings and stress. Building a supportive community can aid healing by providing strength and helping you focus on positive aspects. Therapy, especially trauma-focused therapies like EMDR, is effective for processing deep-seated emotional pain.
Therapy can help individuals and couples reclaim their power, explore the possible causes of their emotional challenges, and provide a supportive environment for healing.
Empathy can help you understand that everyone has a history and reasons for their actions, which can aid in your healing process. Focusing on the present moment allows you to make today the best day of your life, and you can choose where to put your mind and heart today, regardless of past hurts.
Holding onto pain can hurt your ability to focus, study, and work. Focusing on past events may leave little room in your heart and mind for new experiences, so creating space for joy is an important part of healing.
Use This Repair Statement to let go of past hurts:
I am sorry for __ (be specific about the event). I love you, care about you and want to repair this situation (express empathy and say something endearing and from the heart). Is there anything else that I can do to help this situation? Is there anything else you need?
Sometimes when I suggest the repair statement above, clients will say to their partner, “You’re just repeating what Lisa said, and you don’t mean it.” My response to that idea is that this might not be perfect or ideal, but usually it’s better than what your partner was originally saying.
Your goal is to decrease the resentment, and repair will move you in a better direction. Even if it’s repeated verbatim, the important thing isn’t whose words it is. Instead, try to focus on how your partner is trying to fix the situation and trying to repair the hurt and pain. You may need to use the repair statement with your partner too because chances are, that you also made a mistake or miscommunicated, which led to resentment on your partner’s end.
#3 Forgiveness – After one partner repairs the situation, the other partner can usually forgive them. However, forgiveness is a choice only you can make.
Forgiving yourself and others has been associated with higher psychological well-being. It may take time to heal the pain and hurt, and that is normal.
Take the time to ask yourself how holding onto resentment will improve the relationship. Depending on what actually occurred to create the resentment, you might need to make other decisions, such as whether you should stay together or forgive and forget. Understanding that everyone has a history can help you go from wondering why someone hurt you to empathizing with their situation.
It’s a process to learn how to let go of resentment, but it can be done. Use the repair statement to focus on how to heal the pain that has accumulated over the years.
Updated January 14. 2026.
Additional reading to support your relationship as you explore options for couples therapy and healing:
What Causes Resentment In A Marriage (Plus How You Can Heal Resentment In Yours)
How To Discuss Relationship Problems Without Fighting
